Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! I was never taught that was the correct answer. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. Those things influence what I ask of my kid, and they influence how I ask it. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! Are you busy? And suddenly many things became clear. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. 2. Flip the question back on them. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! I was going to say, my experience with We should hang out some time! and the like are that theyre more of a social gesture. I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). (Like the How are you? inquiries) Unhelpful? OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. Flying in a rocket ship. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. Giving my notebook a bath. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. Nobody seems to be doing well by this arrangement. What you are currently doing. Good enough. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. The fallout you talk about? Although I have one co-worker who apparently does laundry on weekdays sometimes. I dont understand the point of the question. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. ! OH ME TOO. Good luck! When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. Am I? That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. That, or non-questions. They may be angling to invite you somewhere. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Im self employed so I can realistically be working at any time and date. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. Shes moving and needs a van? If partying and watching Netflix is the only thing you dream of doing, don't pretend that you spend your days filling out job applications. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Busy busy busy! Any event. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. Thats the way to go. Him: Doing anything fun today? Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). There is a normal-question-asking prosody, where the words get successively higher in pitch. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. If I were any better, I'd be you. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. See also, sometimes when someone is rude or difficult, I will pretend they said something nice or appropriate and respond with a total non-sequitur. Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. Skip the part where you say Ill have to check my calendar or even Im not surejust go ahead and ask them what they have in mind! Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! It means Im doing nothing., Glorying in my splendid solitude how about you?. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). Yak shaving is a programming term, although Ive also seen it in other contexts. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THIS VIDEO. 1. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. ), Anyway, that wont do the job. The Captains advice is great. Me: Not much, maybe laundry or whatever. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) Is everyone busy? Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. Mostly they arent great at invitations. I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Why is that worth it? But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. So I know what youre talking about. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? 3. So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. Im in my late 50s and, frankly, my plans for the weekend are likely to be boring to this younger inquirer. I love so hard your example in #3. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". Threading has run out, so replying to your top comment, spd please try to avoid using the word spazzy. 2. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Its great! I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. Flat? Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Rather than rushing to respond, taking the time to understand what they mean can improve the quality of your response. How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. Its a little startling to hear something super serious like life is really dark so that would be a surprise here as well. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! I love organizing events and I confess to having asked that annoying question several times, mostly in order to know if a particular friend I would love to invite is available on that date. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. No Response. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. It changed how I felt about her for a long time. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! Photo: Funny Quotes. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. Ugh. - Anthony Burgess - Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. This will not go away. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. It took a LOOOOONNNNGGG time to train them out of, What are you doing this weekend? My friends do it alllll the time. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Im glad its not a way to get rid of someone/blow them off without saying so. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Am I supposed to answer? On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. You can be annoyed by a wide variety of people forever. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. The hubs and I do the same. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. Certain relatives. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. 3. But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. Ah. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating).

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